Dating Again After A Partner Dies

Dating Again After A Partner Dies
By Elaine Williams

When a relationship ends due to one partner dying, what is the correct time period to begin dating again? Grief is such a funny, unpredictable animal. Many people in years’ past think a year is a suitable time to wait before incorporating life changes, and yet for many of us, a year into our loss - we’re barely getting started on our grief journey. My experience has been that people and perhaps society as a whole, do not allow enough time or thought to the actual grief process. There is no quick fix or “getting over it” and moving on. We all move through grief in our own ways and means. There is nothing by formula that we can follow or hope to happen. Talking with others who have experienced a similar loss is definitely a plus.

Some days the road is more difficult than others days. At times, you feel enveloped in a mist of uncertainty. Even small decisions can sometimes stretch past your point of coping.

Personal decisions are just that, personal. What is suitable for anyone must be decided  individually. Sometimes you have to let go of preconceived notions of the correct way to act and grieve.

I began dating too early, about a year after my husband passed away. I was incredibly lonely and in a real oxymoron, I was determined to be happy again, at any cost to myself. So, I started dating through online sites and I kept attracting the wrong type of man. Takers, emotionally unavailable, surface daters, serial daters, men who mirrored my own uncertainty about my readiness to date again.

None of these connections turned out to be anything substantial. In a fog of grief, I yearned to find someone to love, and yet I knew these men were wrong for me. They were just a short ride on a ferry to nowhere special. It was brought home to me gradually, through my dating experiences, that I had to value myself more than what I was doing. I couldn’t settle with a partner just to have someone in my life. I deserved more. My dates deserved more than someone still traveling through grief.

In those early days, I was as unavailable as the men I dated. If I had realized this, perhaps I would have run fast in the opposite direction, but in two instances I hung on to a flagging relationship, hoping things would change. Of course they did not.

Gradually, I came to realize that I had to stop setting myself up for disappointment in relationships. How could I attract the right partner, unless I was equally ready for a commitment?

I made the decision to bring my standards up to a new level and part of this process involved not dating for over a year. Only then did I start meeting the quality of man that my higher consciousness demanded. I was no longer wasting my time, or theirs, in surface dating, where both of us knows after one date there is no chemistry or real interest.

We all deserve better for ourselves than settling in a relationship just to alleviate the loneliness. It is difficult being alone when you are used to so much more, but I have chosen to remain so until the right partner comes along. It’s a personal decision and for me, there is no other choice.

Elaine Williams ©2008

Elaine Williams is a writer across various genres. She is a mother and a widow of four years.  She can be contacted at  [mailto:onwingspress@yahoo.com]onwingspress@yahoo.com http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Elaine_Williams http://EzineArticles.com/?Dating-Again-After-A-Partner-Dies&id=961822

For Widows Only - 1 Question - When Is It a Good Time To Get On With The Rest of Your Life?

By Linda Della Donna

You look at the watch strapped neatly on your wrist or at the kitchen clock tick-tocking loudly on the wall. You stare ominously at a calendar attached to the refrigerator door by 4 cow magnets and note numbly a time, a date. You comment out loud to no one in particular, Is it really____ (fill in the blank) days, weeks, years since His death?

Then you ask yourself the silly stupid question every widow asks, “When do I get on with the rest of my life”?

As every widow discovers, there is no clock or calendar for grieving, and there is no magic answer to the nagging haunting question that shadows us, dear widow, as we go about living our daily lives. Sooner or later, we accept that He is never coming back. When that happens, it is time, our time, to move on with the rest of our life.

Though, this writer cannot provide specific answers to you, dear widow, I offer 5 questions to guide you as you determine if you are indeed ready to move on. Here they are:

Are You Still Wearing Your Rings?

The hardest thing for every widow to do is to remove her wedding rings. Permanently. It is natural and respectful for a widow to honor the memory of her beloved husband, and a period of one year is emotionally healthy, maybe 2, maybe 3, 4, 5, 6, years. Maybe 75 years. Who’s to say, dear widow. It’s your choice.

But soon…but after awhile…but one day you, dear widow, will see your world in a different light. That is when you begin to fully realize He’s not coming back. Ever.

When that day arrives and you are able to remove your rings - to place them lovingly in a velvet covered slot in your jewel box - to tuck them neatly away in a safety deposit box - to have them reset perhaps in a charm to dangle off a new bracelet, or new chain to wear looped around your neck - it is a safe bet that you are living in your present and not buried in the memories of your past.

But, unless and until a widow can accept HINCB *He Is Never Coming Back* and come to terms with all that entails, it is unwise to venture through doors number 1, number 2, or number 3. Yet.

Do You Have a Job?

Are you ready, willing, and able to fill out a job application? Can you answer job application’s silly stupid “Single, Married, Divorced, Other” question without bursting into tears when you check Other?

Do You Still Have His Clothes?

What is the state of His closet? Can you clean out that space? You know the place where He stored His shoes, where He hung His suits, where He hung His ties, and His shirts. What about His armoire? Is it in your bedroom?

If His stuff is lingering about where you rest your head, He’s still master of your domain and you may need more time to heal.

It’s fine and dandy to want to hang onto His things. Just keep in mind that these items are like anchors that may weigh you down and prevent you from making important decisions. And they may hold you back from achieving your goals.

Are You Afraid to Spend Money?

Can you spend money - on yourself? Are you able to shop for a new sweater; something He will not see you put on your body when you step out of the shower to begin your new day? Are you able to purchase this item, a sexy pair of high heeled shoes to go with a new pair of slacks to go with that great new sexy sweater?

It’s okay to feel guilty about spending money, that’s not my question. But, if you feel a twinge of guilt that you will be cheating on Him as you step out of your front door in your new outfit, it’s best to admit you’ve got a long way to go, baby, before you, dear widow, are ready to make life altering decisions.

Have You Had a Date?

Do you fantasize about having a date? No, not the chewy kind that falls off of a tree, the man kind. The kind you dress up for in that new sexy outfit you spent money on, the kind you paint your lips Revlon red for, the kind you smile pleasingly for when a car door is held open as you slide across a seat, the kind that takes your hand while accompanying you, dear widow, into a restaurant, stares madly lovingly into your two dry eyes, and compliments how great you look in metallic sheen, without feeling like a cheat!

If you can answer yes to the questions outlined above, dear widow, congratulations! Proceed to the head of the class. You are almost there. And you are one giant baby step closer to moving on with the rest of your life.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports new widows through the grief process. To receive a copy of Della Donna’s FREE E-Book, Treasury of Quotations, email Della Donna at [mailto:littleredmailbox@aol.com]littleredmailbox@aol.com You can learn more about Della Donna by visiting her web site http://www.littleredmailbox.com or reading her blog http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com
Have you a writing assignment? Feel free to contact Della Donna.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Della_Donna http://EzineArticles.com/?For-Widows-Only—1-Question—When-Is-It-a-Good-Time-To-Get-On-With-The-Rest-of-Your-Life?&id=547958