7 Rules For Managing Grief and Loss

By Lou LaGrand

Grief and loss are inherent parts of life. No one gets off scott free from facing the emotional and physical pain of accepting the death of a loved one. Yet, all too frequently, we maximize our pain out of a lack of insight into the reality of major change and the common problems of adapting to life without the beloved.

Here are seven rules that will help in the challenge to deal with the inevitable changes to be faced and re-orienting to a new and different life.

1. Never allow thoughts to turn into actions without your full consent. Negative thoughts pervade most loss experiences. We tend to look back at what we lose and ahead to all the real and imaginary obstacles that have to be faced. This occurs in an atmosphere of fear and confusion which maximizes our concerns. Then a universal law takes effect: what we focus on expands. In this case, fear grows and the obstacles appear insurmountable. There is nothing wrong with being scared in facing the new and here is how you can deal with it.

Full consent always implies deliberation. Deliberation means reasoned dialogue and thinking. Frequently, get with those you trust to share all concerns and ask for feedback on your thoughts. Let the fear, guilt, or loneliness out. Not easy to do, but the results will be essential in making the right choices and defusing limiting beliefs and fears. Doing the right thing will take courage that you can muster with help from friends. Use them with humility.

2. Be open to new ideas, assumptions, and beliefs. Loss challenges our beliefs about life and death. Grief is a time when reevaluating the way we were taught that life is, usually has to be challenged. There is more to its mystery than our little version. For most, there is a lot to learn, especially in how to accept impermanence.

Big, life-changing events often cause us to examine our values and put things in perspective. Revising beliefs will also bring new meaning to loss and an easier reinvestment in life. In reality, loss is a great teacher of the importance of relationships, humility, and gratitude.

3. Allow failure to be viewed as a normal part of coping well. Accepting failure as a tool for learning always spawns success. Having been utilized for centuries, it is just as true for coping with loss as it has been with some of the greatest inventions.

Be aware that we are programmed early in life to expect immediate success or to feel we are not up to the task. Examining where we make mistakes, and taking action to rectify them, is the road to follow. See failure when grieving as a friend, as part of your education about loss and life.

4. Start reconnecting as soon as possible. Loss and the emotions that accompany it are strong forces of isolation. Isolation especially hinders your ability to adapt and accept the new conditions of existence. Everyone needs a variety of connections; they are surefire lifelines. Do this: strengthen connections to your faith, friends, work, and mission because it is critical to reinvesting in life and developing new routines.

New routines are an absolute must due to the absence of our loved one. Make these new routines into new habits, which is an important key to coping well.

5. Cultivate solitude on a regular basis. Take time out each day just for yourself. This is just as important as building your circle of interpersonal relationships. It is a positive state time leading to comfort, enhanced spirituality, and creative coping with your great loss.

Find a place where you enjoy being alone, a particular room in your home, an area in a park, at the beach, or some other natural setting. Give yourself permission to take a cry break or listen to soothing music. Take a walk by yourself. Meditate. Meditation will reduce your stress and raise your energy level. Give yourself a pep talk. Do what is best for you.

6. Trust your inner knowing. This resource is seldom consciously used. So listen to what your intuition and your body tell you about the choices to be made and the direction to travel. You have wisdom within, if you will take the time to be honest with yourself and listen. Then make yourself take that first difficult step in tackling whatever problem you have to face that day.

When discouraging thoughts start to build take action to stop the downward spiral by asking yourself “What do I need to do right now?” Listen to what comes up from your intuitive treasure, trust it, and reverse your direction. Keep repeating this new action.

7. Make the “D” word the cornerstone of your new life. Determination is a commitment you can make. Talk to yourself and say that you are going to prevail in this difficult adaptation. Write specific inspiring phrases on a 3 by 5 card that you can whip out and read when you start feeling the blues.

Then combine your self-coaching with getting up and moving into another room or going outside when things seem unmanageable. Consider calling a best friend or develop a method (create any affirmation) to interrupt the pattern of thoughts causing discouragement. With conscious determination you can redirect emotion.

All of the above can be worked on, one rule at a time. Remember what was said earlier: what you focus on expands. This not only holds true for fear and negative thoughts. It is just as powerful for visualizing yourself meeting and successfully negotiating a particular problem. It holds true for focusing on a positive memory or a gratitude memory. Those positive events will expand in importance and assist your transition.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lou_LaGrand http://EzineArticles.com/?7-Rules-For-Managing-Grief-and-Loss&id=1236149

For Widows Only - 1 Question - When Is It a Good Time To Get On With The Rest of Your Life?

By Linda Della Donna

You look at the watch strapped neatly on your wrist or at the kitchen clock tick-tocking loudly on the wall. You stare ominously at a calendar attached to the refrigerator door by 4 cow magnets and note numbly a time, a date. You comment out loud to no one in particular, Is it really____ (fill in the blank) days, weeks, years since His death?

Then you ask yourself the silly stupid question every widow asks, “When do I get on with the rest of my life”?

As every widow discovers, there is no clock or calendar for grieving, and there is no magic answer to the nagging haunting question that shadows us, dear widow, as we go about living our daily lives. Sooner or later, we accept that He is never coming back. When that happens, it is time, our time, to move on with the rest of our life.

Though, this writer cannot provide specific answers to you, dear widow, I offer 5 questions to guide you as you determine if you are indeed ready to move on. Here they are:

Are You Still Wearing Your Rings?

The hardest thing for every widow to do is to remove her wedding rings. Permanently. It is natural and respectful for a widow to honor the memory of her beloved husband, and a period of one year is emotionally healthy, maybe 2, maybe 3, 4, 5, 6, years. Maybe 75 years. Who’s to say, dear widow. It’s your choice.

But soon…but after awhile…but one day you, dear widow, will see your world in a different light. That is when you begin to fully realize He’s not coming back. Ever.

When that day arrives and you are able to remove your rings - to place them lovingly in a velvet covered slot in your jewel box - to tuck them neatly away in a safety deposit box - to have them reset perhaps in a charm to dangle off a new bracelet, or new chain to wear looped around your neck - it is a safe bet that you are living in your present and not buried in the memories of your past.

But, unless and until a widow can accept HINCB *He Is Never Coming Back* and come to terms with all that entails, it is unwise to venture through doors number 1, number 2, or number 3. Yet.

Do You Have a Job?

Are you ready, willing, and able to fill out a job application? Can you answer job application’s silly stupid “Single, Married, Divorced, Other” question without bursting into tears when you check Other?

Do You Still Have His Clothes?

What is the state of His closet? Can you clean out that space? You know the place where He stored His shoes, where He hung His suits, where He hung His ties, and His shirts. What about His armoire? Is it in your bedroom?

If His stuff is lingering about where you rest your head, He’s still master of your domain and you may need more time to heal.

It’s fine and dandy to want to hang onto His things. Just keep in mind that these items are like anchors that may weigh you down and prevent you from making important decisions. And they may hold you back from achieving your goals.

Are You Afraid to Spend Money?

Can you spend money - on yourself? Are you able to shop for a new sweater; something He will not see you put on your body when you step out of the shower to begin your new day? Are you able to purchase this item, a sexy pair of high heeled shoes to go with a new pair of slacks to go with that great new sexy sweater?

It’s okay to feel guilty about spending money, that’s not my question. But, if you feel a twinge of guilt that you will be cheating on Him as you step out of your front door in your new outfit, it’s best to admit you’ve got a long way to go, baby, before you, dear widow, are ready to make life altering decisions.

Have You Had a Date?

Do you fantasize about having a date? No, not the chewy kind that falls off of a tree, the man kind. The kind you dress up for in that new sexy outfit you spent money on, the kind you paint your lips Revlon red for, the kind you smile pleasingly for when a car door is held open as you slide across a seat, the kind that takes your hand while accompanying you, dear widow, into a restaurant, stares madly lovingly into your two dry eyes, and compliments how great you look in metallic sheen, without feeling like a cheat!

If you can answer yes to the questions outlined above, dear widow, congratulations! Proceed to the head of the class. You are almost there. And you are one giant baby step closer to moving on with the rest of your life.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports new widows through the grief process. To receive a copy of Della Donna’s FREE E-Book, Treasury of Quotations, email Della Donna at [mailto:littleredmailbox@aol.com]littleredmailbox@aol.com You can learn more about Della Donna by visiting her web site http://www.littleredmailbox.com or reading her blog http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com
Have you a writing assignment? Feel free to contact Della Donna.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Della_Donna http://EzineArticles.com/?For-Widows-Only—1-Question—When-Is-It-a-Good-Time-To-Get-On-With-The-Rest-of-Your-Life?&id=547958

For Widows Only-You Know You’re A Widow When

By Linda Della Donna

At the end of a good day you bust out crying for no particular reason.

At the end of a bad day you burst out laughing for no particular reason.

At the end of everyday, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.

You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap. Because you think He’ll need them.

The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door reduces you to tears, but you refuse to throw it away. Because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.

Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in spring, marigolds in summer, geraniums in autumn, and mistletoe in winter. And because you promised.

You wear His wedding band looped through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.

You wear your wedding ring. Because you still feel married.

You had a terrible horrible miserable ugly day. And He’s not here to tell you everything will be okay.

You talk to your dog. And swear to God that silly dog understands every word you say.

You tell everyone who asks, how ‘ya doing? the big lie, I’m doing fine. That’s because you know they don’t understand. You know they can’t. And you pray they never will.

You sit posed like a pooch for animal crackers over a job application. You can’t make up your mind which box to check — Single, Married, Divorced, Other — You honestly don’t know.

The lamp in the living room turns on. And you didn’t flip the switch. You truly believe it’s a message sent from Him.

You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on paper napkins. Because you can’t stand the thought of sitting home alone.

You’re dying *pardon the pun* to get out the house, but once you get out, you yearn to get back home. You just don’t feel safe without Him at your side.

The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, bums you out. Because it reminds you of the life you had with Him. The life you planned to have with Him.

You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don’t give a damn.

Your big night out is a trip to the trash bin to dump the garbage. And you swear to God, you discovered mourning joy. Because you’re thankful you got two hands to carry the banana peels, the empty cereal boxes, and the crushed vitamin D milk containers, and two able feet to carry you.

You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.

You lose weight. Because you can’t eat — you miss Him so much you lose your appetite for chocolate.

You gain weight. Because you can’t stop eating — you miss Him so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo Cookie will fill the void.

You mark time BD *before His death* and AD *after His death*. Because the endless memories loop your brain and you need a point of reference to handle your thoughts.

At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the magnificent prayer, please God, can I do it one more day? And you know in you’re heart, with His help, you can.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who makes her home 20 miles north from where the World Trade Center used to be. Della Donna supports new widows through the grief process. At present, she’s working on a memoir dedicated to her late husband, Edward Sclier. You can learn more about Della Donna and receive a copy of her FREE E-Book, Mourning Joy, by filling out the opt-in box at her web site - http://www.littleredmailbox.com - and subscribing to her mailing list. Feel free to read Della Donna’s blog - http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com - for widows only. Della Donna wants every widow to know, we’re not alone. Got a writing assignment? Need an interview? Feel free to contact Della Donna at [mailto:littleredmailbox@aol.com]littleredmailbox@aol.com. She’s waiting to hear from you.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Della_Donna http://EzineArticles.com/?For-Widows-Only-You-Know-Youre-A-Widow-When&id=447117

For Widows Only-You Know You’re A Widow When

By Linda Della Donna

At the end of a good day you bust out crying for no particular reason.

At the end of a bad day you burst out laughing for no particular reason.

At the end of everyday, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.

You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap. Because you think He’ll need them.

The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door reduces you to tears, but you refuse to throw it away. Because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.

Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in spring, marigolds in summer, geraniums in autumn, and mistletoe in winter. And because you promised.

You wear His wedding band looped through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.

You wear your wedding ring. Because you still feel married.

You had a terrible horrible miserable ugly day. And He’s not here to tell you everything will be okay.

You talk to your dog. And swear to God that silly dog understands every word you say.

You tell everyone who asks, how ‘ya doing? the big lie, I’m doing fine. That’s because you know they don’t understand. You know they can’t. And you pray they never will.

You sit posed like a pooch for animal crackers over a job application. You can’t make up your mind which box to check — Single, Married, Divorced, Other — You honestly don’t know.

The lamp in the living room turns on. And you didn’t flip the switch. You truly believe it’s a message sent from Him.

You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on paper napkins. Because you can’t stand the thought of sitting home alone.

You’re dying *pardon the pun* to get out the house, but once you get out, you yearn to get back home. You just don’t feel safe without Him at your side.

The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, bums you out. Because it reminds you of the life you had with Him. The life you planned to have with Him.

You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don’t give a damn.

Your big night out is a trip to the trash bin to dump the garbage. And you swear to God, you discovered mourning joy. Because you’re thankful you got two hands to carry the banana peels, the empty cereal boxes, and the crushed vitamin D milk containers, and two able feet to carry you.

You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.

You lose weight. Because you can’t eat — you miss Him so much you lose your appetite for chocolate.

You gain weight. Because you can’t stop eating — you miss Him so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo Cookie will fill the void.

You mark time BD *before His death* and AD *after His death*. Because the endless memories loop your brain and you need a point of reference to handle your thoughts.

At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the magnificent prayer, please God, can I do it one more day? And you know in you’re heart, with His help, you can.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who makes her home 20 miles north from where the World Trade Center used to be. Della Donna supports new widows through the grief process. At present, she’s working on a memoir dedicated to her late husband, Edward Sclier. You can learn more about Della Donna and receive a copy of her FREE E-Book, Mourning Joy, by filling out the opt-in box at her web site - http://www.littleredmailbox.com - and subscribing to her mailing list. Feel free to read Della Donna’s blog - http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com - for widows only. Della Donna wants every widow to know, we’re not alone. Got a writing assignment? Need an interview? Feel free to contact Della Donna at [mailto:littleredmailbox@aol.com]littleredmailbox@aol.com. She’s waiting to hear from you.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Linda_Della_Donna http://EzineArticles.com/?For-Widows-Only-You-Know-Youre-A-Widow-When&id=447117

The Widow’s Guide - Surviving the Loss of a Mate

By Jane Costello

Life after a death. Tools for surviving the loss of a mate. Short and simple steps that help redefine who you are.

W = Was- Life as you knew it, Isn’t anymore. Your job, Like it or not, Is to remake it.

I = Independent - I was independent before but that was because I knew I had backup at home at the end of the day. Now you must be independent on your own and be your own backup. No negative self talk. You can’t afford it!

D = Determination, Details, Do it! Death has nothing to do with your life now. It’s how you got here but “Let it Go”!

O = Ownership of your own life. If you are too into yourself, It is time to give to others. You are what you make yourself to be. Cut yourself some slack. This is probably the hardest job of your life.

W = Winner! “Winners know a goal is only as worthy as the effort that’s required to achieve it. Winners make the world a better place.” (Nancye Sims’ Poem, “Be A Winner”.) Recommended reading.

Here are some more tips that will help you function in survival mode.

Maintain face to face contact with people every day.

Select a support group that has your best interests in mind. There are those who mean well but because of their own issues, drag you down. (Be careful, you are vulnerable)

Listen to your higher power or gut when making decisions.

Succeeding is living each day. Pat yourself on the back until your arm hurts.

Respect your feelings. Get your feelings out so you can look at them. Never ignore or stuff them away. Get them out or they will fester.

I’ve been a widow for eight years and I still have to work at it every day. Know that you are not alone and together we will continue to grow stronger.

Jane Costello is a freelance writer, artist, and Motivator. If you wish to contact Jane, visit her site at http://www.wallsthatspeak.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jane_Costello http://EzineArticles.com/?The-Widows-Guide—Surviving-the-Loss-of-a-Mate&id=1239776

My Husband Was Murdered on October 8th

On Oct 8th 2007, the father of my two boys was murdered. I had no other boyfreinds before him and he was all I knew for the 12 yrs we were together. We had our share of problems as he struggled with drug use, which led to his eventual death. Yet despite of our problems I we loved each other unconditionally, now that he is gone I’m hurting so much that I find it hard to function sometimes, I’m obsessed with finding answers on the afterlife and I even got in contact with a medium. Now prior to this I was a very level headed person, but now I feel like I’m going insane, my youngest is 18 mos so he does not know but my eldest is 6 and it breaks my heart to hear him cry over his dad being gone. I don’t know how to cope with all this, this pain is so overwhelming, that I find myself thinking of my own funeral and of how I can join him, I know I have my kids to think of and this is why I’m so scared of my thoughts and actions.
Please help me .
Chantal

Dear Chantal,

We are so very sorry for your loss. With just two weeks since his death, you are still in a state of shock and, a feeling of being devastated and overwhelmed is very normal. After the sudden and unexpected death of someone we love the most, we have all kinds of thoughts that we generally don’t have and emotions that we have never experienced. After twelve years of being together it is understandable why you feel the way you do. Your emotions are still raw and all you can feel right now is the pain. It is a time to be very gentle with yourself and reach out to others for help when you need to.

You indicated that you are interested in Compassionate Friends. Unfortunately their membership is composed only of those who have lost children. But other groups are available. We recommend that you contact your local Hospice and ask for their grief group recommendation and we encourage you do this as soon as you can. You might ask a friend or family member to help you with this. Often the people at the mortuary and some of the local churches know of such groups or can direct you to someone who does know what is available. You may want to consider a few visits with a professional grief counselor. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.Â

We invite you to listen to listen on Thursday mornings to our radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ . All you need to do is find the show you wish to hear and click on the MP3 Link. It takes a moment for it to download because it a large file. If you cannot download it, you can find the transcript of the show in the left hand column under Healing the Grieving Heart/PastShow Trasnscripts. We have listed some shows below that we believe may help you and help comfort your son during this really tough time.
August 30, 2007
Guest: Kay Hutchison
There is No Rule Book: Finding Forgiveness After the Murder of My Husband

July 26, 2007
Guest: Dr. Grace Christ
Helping Children Heal After Loss

November 16, 2006
Dealing with Traumatic Loss
Guest: Dr. Rick Tedeschi

June 15, 2006
Helping Your Hurting Heart
Guest: Lauren Littauer Briggs

March 2, 2006
The Afterlife Connection
Guest: Jane Greer

February 16, 2006
The Bereaved Marriage
Guest: Mel Erickson

We will post your letter on The Grief Blog because we believe it will help others who are also grieving. We have a wonderful, compassionate group of readers so check back now and then for comments of love and compassion that you may receive. We often also read letters on our Thursday show so you might want to tune in next week if that is possible for you.

We wish you comfort and healing as you walk this grief path,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

A Letter to Jodie by Susan who Lost Her Husband on September 18, 2007

Dear Jodie,
I can relate to your grief. I just lost my husband on Sept 18, 2007, suddenly, to an unexpected illness-viral enciphilitis. He was also healthy prior. Now, I’m left with our very young daughters to raise. He was the world to us.He left behind a platoon of friends and family members that loved him so much. He was a caring, kind, selfless, father and husband. The shock of it all is incredible to me. One day we had a perfectly normal day, and next thing you know, he’s in a medically induced coma for next several weeks. No chance to say I love you again or even to say goodbye.
My 4 year old is just devastated and of course, troubled by his death. I am having a hard time talking about this with many people. And reading this blogsite is helping relate with other widows.
So, thank you all for listening.  Susan

Dear Susan,

We are so sorry for your loss. We welcome you to the group of wonderful people who reach out with love to others who also have experienced such great and sudden loss. Reaching out to others seems to facilitate healing and we hope that is true for you.

It is a very short time since September and this is a time for you to be gentle with yourself and allow your self to grieve in your own time and your own way. Sometimes that’s not easy when you have small children and we hope you have some one who can be with your daughters so you can find some time to take care of you.

We understand how hard it is to talk with people who have not experienced the death of a loved one and it is so important for you to be able to talk about your feelings and you loss. For this purpose we recommend that you find a group of The Compassionate Friends in your area. You can find their site at http://www.compassionatefriends.org. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. It’s o.k. to tell them how to help you and that sometimes they only need to listen. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone

You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/Â

Thank you for reaching out to Jodie. We hope that through your compassion for others your own load of grief is lightened.

Blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

A Young Widow Tells Her Story

It’s almost like a relief to read thoughts from another person that I can actually relate to. Sometimes you get tired of explaining yourself to those who couldn’t possibly understand what you are feeling because they haven’t experienced what you have experienced. I was widowed at age 28, I am now 31. I lost my husband in March 2005 to a car accident on our oldest daughter’s 13th birthday. I was actually searching for grieving counselors for her when I came across this site (very glad I found it). My husband and I were also together for some time before we got married…our total time together was 15 years. We have four beautiful children, 2 girls and 2 boys. We talk about him often, still laugh at the things he said or did, we will NEVER forget him regardless of how much time passes. I still cry at times, mostly when the kids make accomplishments because I can’t help but get upset that he is not here to physically witness these things and hug them for a job well done. I say physically, because we strongly believe that he is and always will be with us in some form, because we feel him. I can go on and on, but I basically just wanted to comment to “A Widow Shares”. You ARE lucky to have been his wife, as I am lucky to have been my husband’s wife, because we are the ones who gave them the wonderful experience of marriage. Stay encouraged and take care of yourself.

Thank you,
Dear Anika,
Â
Thank you for reaching out to Jody with compassion and understanding and thank you for sharing your story with us and the readers of The Grief Blog. We have posted your comments on the first page of the Blog as well as in the comment section of A Widow’s Story. We know there are many who can be helped by reading your letter.

We are so very sorry for your loss and know that no words can give you the comfort you need. While it has been two years, please know there is no time limit to grief and everyone grieves in their own time and their own way. We encourage you to be gentle with yourself as the healing continues.

We hope you were able to find a professional grief counselor for your daughter. If you were not, you might contact your local hospice or your church for recommendations. You are very wise to seek help for her. Being a teen is hard enough and losing her father makes it even more so.

We invite you to listen to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/Â

Sincerely,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

A Sudden Death of a Healthy Man

Hi,
Ok i suppose I start by saying I lost my partner Michael on May 16th 2007 he was only 37 years old fit and healthy.I went to bed on that Tusday night late so Mick had been asleep for awhile then early hours Wednesday morning the twins woke me up they wanted a bottle so i got up to get them 1.On the way back to bed Mick passed me he went to the toilet and came back to bed.I was awake and he knew this but as soon as he got the covers up and got comfy I thought he started to snore so I wacked him and told him to stop snoring.Mick didnt answer me and the noise wasnt sounding to good so I jumped out of bed and turned the light on to find Mick having a seizure.I quickly ran out grabed my mobile and rang 000 at the same time grabing the maple syrup out of the fridge because Mick had type 1 diabities.I put some on my finger and put it around the inside of his lips, the seizures had stopped and he wasnt respondind to anything I cecked his breathing and found he wasnt breathing and had no pulse.I got ready to start cpr when the ambulance arrived.They worked on Mick for an hour and a half but nothing could be done he was gone.
His blood sugars were slightly high so that isnt what caused the seizure so I still dont know what killed him they say it can take up to 6 months here in australia. So from the time he got back into bed to the time he took his last breath was only 10 minutes.I miss him sooooooooo much and the hurt and pain is to much to bare at times, but i have to get up and do things because I have 1 year old twins and a 10 year old son to take care of.I love you Michael and will miss you forever a part of me died with you and until we meet again it will be lost for good.

Jody

How Do You Mourn An Ex-Spouse?

My first wife died several weeks ago. We were married almost thirty years, we have four kids and four grandsons, and we were divorced four years ago. Donna was sick for many years, and her body finally gave out. As sad as it was, it was also a relief. As I am fond of saying, The Angel of Death is not always an enemy, and in this case it was true. But as difficult as the last years might have been between us, her death created new and wrenching dilemmas for me and the kids.

I know nobody wants to talk about this, but with our national divorce rate climbing higher and higher, there are now more “exes” in our society than ever before, and eventually they will die. What should we feel when that happens? How will we mourn spouses that at one time loved us, and we loved them? How can we reverently say goodbye to those with whom we made a life and sometimes kids; spouses with whom we had mutual friends, created memories and shared life-stories together? At the end of the relationship, perhaps we were not in love any longer, but that doesn’t mean we did not still have deep emotions about them. Love doesn’t die when the divorce is granted.

The death of a “less-than-loved-one” is in truth a double death. First, they died, and we are left with all the feelings connected with the death of anyone we knew and loved. But second, the possibility of healing the pain of the broken marriage has now also died. No more can we pretend that we can “make it right” with them, that time is now over forever. Can we heal after their death? Yes, but it is much easier to do so when they were alive. We are confronted with the death of the present, and in addition the death of the future. It’s not at all easy, take it from me.

So this double death now translates into numerous decisions which must be made:

Do we attend the funeral or not?

If they did not want us to attend, do we do so anyway out of respect and the need to say good-bye? Or do we stay home?

What do we say to our kids, especially if they are divided in their loyalties between their parents?

How should we act toward former in-laws?

How do friends console friends in this situation? What is the proper condolence?

These are new questions for me. I made my decisions, as do you in your situation. What is “the right way?” I have no idea. All I do know is that it hurts. I pray that Donna’s soul is now resting peacefully, with no more pain and suffering. She has gone, but those grief issues will remain with me for a very long time.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Dr._Mel_Glazer
http://EzineArticles.com/?How-Do-You-Mourn-An-Ex-Spouse?&id=459347

Â