My Husband Was Murdered on October 8th

On Oct 8th 2007, the father of my two boys was murdered. I had no other boyfreinds before him and he was all I knew for the 12 yrs we were together. We had our share of problems as he struggled with drug use, which led to his eventual death. Yet despite of our problems I we loved each other unconditionally, now that he is gone I’m hurting so much that I find it hard to function sometimes, I’m obsessed with finding answers on the afterlife and I even got in contact with a medium. Now prior to this I was a very level headed person, but now I feel like I’m going insane, my youngest is 18 mos so he does not know but my eldest is 6 and it breaks my heart to hear him cry over his dad being gone. I don’t know how to cope with all this, this pain is so overwhelming, that I find myself thinking of my own funeral and of how I can join him, I know I have my kids to think of and this is why I’m so scared of my thoughts and actions.
Please help me .
Chantal

Dear Chantal,

We are so very sorry for your loss. With just two weeks since his death, you are still in a state of shock and, a feeling of being devastated and overwhelmed is very normal. After the sudden and unexpected death of someone we love the most, we have all kinds of thoughts that we generally don’t have and emotions that we have never experienced. After twelve years of being together it is understandable why you feel the way you do. Your emotions are still raw and all you can feel right now is the pain. It is a time to be very gentle with yourself and reach out to others for help when you need to.

You indicated that you are interested in Compassionate Friends. Unfortunately their membership is composed only of those who have lost children. But other groups are available. We recommend that you contact your local Hospice and ask for their grief group recommendation and we encourage you do this as soon as you can. You might ask a friend or family member to help you with this. Often the people at the mortuary and some of the local churches know of such groups or can direct you to someone who does know what is available. You may want to consider a few visits with a professional grief counselor. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.Â

We invite you to listen to listen on Thursday mornings to our radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ . All you need to do is find the show you wish to hear and click on the MP3 Link. It takes a moment for it to download because it a large file. If you cannot download it, you can find the transcript of the show in the left hand column under Healing the Grieving Heart/PastShow Trasnscripts. We have listed some shows below that we believe may help you and help comfort your son during this really tough time.
August 30, 2007
Guest: Kay Hutchison
There is No Rule Book: Finding Forgiveness After the Murder of My Husband

July 26, 2007
Guest: Dr. Grace Christ
Helping Children Heal After Loss

November 16, 2006
Dealing with Traumatic Loss
Guest: Dr. Rick Tedeschi

June 15, 2006
Helping Your Hurting Heart
Guest: Lauren Littauer Briggs

March 2, 2006
The Afterlife Connection
Guest: Jane Greer

February 16, 2006
The Bereaved Marriage
Guest: Mel Erickson

We will post your letter on The Grief Blog because we believe it will help others who are also grieving. We have a wonderful, compassionate group of readers so check back now and then for comments of love and compassion that you may receive. We often also read letters on our Thursday show so you might want to tune in next week if that is possible for you.

We wish you comfort and healing as you walk this grief path,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

The Turning of My Quilt

In Wayne Dyer’s book “10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace”, the second success secret is “don’t
die with your music still in you.” It is amazing to consider how many of us have a longing in our heart to pursue a dream, a vocation, or an experience and then our very logical left-brain dissuades us from
taking the risk to do it.

I suggest that often what stops us is the sense that risking the unknown includes a possible risk of
failure or loss. Leaving our comfort zone and sense of security of the known can move us deeper into
the fear of confronting the unknown. We either make the choice to stay stuck in the fear or to walk
through it to discovery.

The most significant event was the day I decided to redo our bedroom about nine months after my
husband’s death. I was finally ready to let go of the fact that it was no longer our bedroom but it was
now mine. Read more