Grief Is Not Just For Death

Grief Is Not Just For Death
By Elaine Williams

Grief and loss come in a multitude of forms. There is grief due to loss of a loved one but there’s also the sense of grief related to illness and the impending demise of a loved one.

When our family pet, our dog Bear had to be put to sleep after ten years with us, it was more emotionally draining than I’d realized. When he was five weeks old he was slated to go to the dog pound since no one wanted him. My children and I went to the private home where he had been born and brought him home with us. I wasn’t sure I really wanted another dog, since we had the veterinarian put to sleep our cherished Lab “Pearl” the week before. However, Bear soon became a part of our family, and lived with us for ten years.

This Fall he developed a terribly aggressive, fast growing tumor that despite our best efforts, he chewed at and ultimately broke open in his last day of life. That month before I went back and forth on the idea of agreeing to an operation to remove the tumor. He seemed fine, despite the tumor, but the operation I was afraid would seriously interfere with his quality of life. He would lose his tail, and some of his hind quarter.

When the tumor started to bother him a great deal I decided to go for the operation — only to have him within the span of twelve hours, go from seeming to be okay to dying. We never got to the operation, and it seems he was fully involved with cancer, even though he looked okay on the outside. He still had a beautiful, shiny, thick husky coat, and yet he was dying from cancer. It’s incredible to find how much you’ve become attached to an animal.

The same week we had Bear euthanized, my girlfriend of seventeen years underwent an operation for endometrial cancer. When she went for pre-testing and blood work the week before, they found swollen lymph glands in her legs. This news made me fearful. Having been down this cancer route before, the deep feeling in the pit of my stomach was there…that unrelenting fear for the worst. I wanted to keep her spirits buoyed up, it wasn’t up to me to play doctor or surmise what this might mean — she had experts to do that. But I called her, took her out to lunch, kept in daily contact, just to talk to her and let her know I cared.

I visited her in the hospital after the operation to remove the tumor, and stayed with her several hours. A few times during that visit we talked realistically about her prognosis, and we cried together because, based on what the doctor’s were saying, the news was not good.

Her realistic approach to her cancer brought the tears to my eyes. I began to mourn her loss of mobility and her loss of real quality of life. She told me she doesn’t want to linger, and wants it over quick. She knows how my husband’s cancer illness went, and she fears lingering toward death.

Sometimes it’s a natural reaction not to want to talk about dying and death, but I must, so I can help her just by listening. I feel for her and I feel for myself. Already I feel the loss in my life.

When my girlfriend was released home from the hospital, (too early in my opinion), she came to my house for four days because I knew she would be alone at her house without any help. On the hour long ride home, hooked to a portable oxygen tank for breathing difficulties, she dozed on and off.

My friend was filled with fluid due to ongoing heart problems and also the after affects of the major operation she had undergone. She was incredibly uncomfortable and her color didn’t look the best. I began to realize she really needed expert nursing, not a friend who was trying to offer her support.

That first day was incredibly hard for her, and it was very difficult for me also, in an emotional way. Unbidden, having her there brought back to me when my husband was ill. Every movement seemed to jar her incision, which was over twelve inches long and held together by staples. By Friday night she had filled up with even more fluid and I urged her repeatedly to call her doctor.  She called the doctor twice on Saturday, and he finally called her after four hours, then instructed her to come to his office on Monday.

Gradually, she began to feel better, but it made me realize once again how caretaking someone is a big responsibility, and takes over all aspects of your life. As much as I cared about her, I felt weak with the responsibility I had undertaken. I wanted her to be well, but I knew also, unless she drastically changes her eating habits and her lifestyle, I fear she will succumb to this disease. There’s nothing more I can do for her. Nothing at all, except be her friend and help her in the best way I can, by letting her know I care.

Elaine Williams copyright 2008

Elaine Williams is a writer across various genres. She is a mother and a widow of four years.  She can be contacted at  [mailto:onwingspress@yahoo.com]onwingspress@yahoo.com. http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

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Can You Talk About Grief Too Much?

By Elaine Williams

When does talking about the loss of someone get to be too much? Is it still grief or is it descending into depression?

Talking and writing about grief for me has been a catharsis, a way to heal my thoughts, emotions and fears. It is a slow, sometimes excruciating process. Not linear, and sometimes unexpected.

At times there seems to be a fine line that can be crossed. I met a woman who had been widowed after six years of marriage. Nine years later, she still does not sleep in the bedroom she shared with her husband, nor can she bring herself to open a birthday gift she found after he passed away. She feels stuck in place but sees no way out.

We all have to be gentle and considerate of ourselves or others who are traveling through grief. But I have seen in my own grieving, that sometimes we run the risk of being stuck in place. I met another widow who spoke incessantly about her husband. She refused to even consider the idea of going through his clothes or personal items, even after five years. She was adamant she would never date again, even though she also admitted her marriage had not been a happy one. Again, it is all about our personal choices. Our lives have formed how we handle stressful situations and circumstances.

The way we handle our grief and emotional outcomes is of course a personal choice, but I feel that some people allow their grief process to make them bitter. I know sometimes I’ve fallen into this myself. I consider it a trap to allow the hurts in my life to weigh me down. Well on my way to healing, I refuse to be consumed by anger and regret.

Grief is never easy or quick. It can be hard, painful and unpredictable. If we stay rooted emotionally in the same place over many years, we’re doing ourselves an injustice. Why not answer the door when opportunity for growth knocks?

There were many days in my grief process where I felt at a really low point, and sometimes, in my mind, I made my marriage out to be something more than what it was. I had a good marriage, but like any other relationship, it had its problems, too. After twenty years, not everything is rosy, and yet many times in the early days I viewed my marriage through rose-colored glasses. I glorified the good times and glossed over the days I wanted to pull my hair out with frustration. My husband and I were two people who had grown through the years. I learned for my own benefit I had to remain honest about my memories. Nothing is perfect. No one deserves or wants to be on a pedestal. By staying grounded in reality, I decided I would not be stuck in place. I firmly believe this thought process made my grief journey a little easier. I also knew my husband would never want me to stay perpetually unhappy. I have grown enough to know I deserve a full life once again, in whatever way I manifest. But I choose happiness over living in a past that cannot be changed.

Elaine Williams ©2008

Elaine Williams is a writer across various genres. She is a mother and a widow of four years. She can be contacted at [mailto:onwingspress@yahoo.com]onwingspress@yahoo.com - http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

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Dating Again After A Partner Dies

Dating Again After A Partner Dies
By Elaine Williams

When a relationship ends due to one partner dying, what is the correct time period to begin dating again? Grief is such a funny, unpredictable animal. Many people in years’ past think a year is a suitable time to wait before incorporating life changes, and yet for many of us, a year into our loss - we’re barely getting started on our grief journey. My experience has been that people and perhaps society as a whole, do not allow enough time or thought to the actual grief process. There is no quick fix or “getting over it” and moving on. We all move through grief in our own ways and means. There is nothing by formula that we can follow or hope to happen. Talking with others who have experienced a similar loss is definitely a plus.

Some days the road is more difficult than others days. At times, you feel enveloped in a mist of uncertainty. Even small decisions can sometimes stretch past your point of coping.

Personal decisions are just that, personal. What is suitable for anyone must be decided  individually. Sometimes you have to let go of preconceived notions of the correct way to act and grieve.

I began dating too early, about a year after my husband passed away. I was incredibly lonely and in a real oxymoron, I was determined to be happy again, at any cost to myself. So, I started dating through online sites and I kept attracting the wrong type of man. Takers, emotionally unavailable, surface daters, serial daters, men who mirrored my own uncertainty about my readiness to date again.

None of these connections turned out to be anything substantial. In a fog of grief, I yearned to find someone to love, and yet I knew these men were wrong for me. They were just a short ride on a ferry to nowhere special. It was brought home to me gradually, through my dating experiences, that I had to value myself more than what I was doing. I couldn’t settle with a partner just to have someone in my life. I deserved more. My dates deserved more than someone still traveling through grief.

In those early days, I was as unavailable as the men I dated. If I had realized this, perhaps I would have run fast in the opposite direction, but in two instances I hung on to a flagging relationship, hoping things would change. Of course they did not.

Gradually, I came to realize that I had to stop setting myself up for disappointment in relationships. How could I attract the right partner, unless I was equally ready for a commitment?

I made the decision to bring my standards up to a new level and part of this process involved not dating for over a year. Only then did I start meeting the quality of man that my higher consciousness demanded. I was no longer wasting my time, or theirs, in surface dating, where both of us knows after one date there is no chemistry or real interest.

We all deserve better for ourselves than settling in a relationship just to alleviate the loneliness. It is difficult being alone when you are used to so much more, but I have chosen to remain so until the right partner comes along. It’s a personal decision and for me, there is no other choice.

Elaine Williams ©2008

Elaine Williams is a writer across various genres. She is a mother and a widow of four years.  She can be contacted at  [mailto:onwingspress@yahoo.com]onwingspress@yahoo.com http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

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