10 Dating Tips for Widows and Widowers

Dating again after the death of a spouse can be an awkward experience. It can bring out feelings of guilt and betrayal for the person dating again. It can also bring out feelings of confusion and concern from friends, family, and those who were close to the deceased spouse.

If you’ve lost a spouse and are looking to date again, here are 10 tips to make sure you’re able to successfully navigate the dating waters.

1. When you decide to date again is up to you

There’s no specific time period that one should wait before dating again. Grieving and the process of moving on is something that’s unique to each person. Some people take years, others weeks, and then there are those who choose never to date again. Whatever you do, don’t let others tell you you’re moving too fast or waiting too long. Make sure it’s something you’re really ready to try before taking that step.

I started dating five months after my late wife died. Too soon? There were some friends and family who thought so. But five months was when I felt ready to at least test the dating waters. And thought it took a few dates to get the hang of things, I have no regrets about dating that soon.

2. Make sure you’re dating for the right reasons

If you feel like dating again, take some time to understand why you want to date again. It’s not wrong to date because you’re lonely or desire some company. Single people date for those reasons too. However, if you’re dating because you think it is going to somehow fill the void or heal the pain that comes from losing a spouse, it’s not going to happen. However, dating does give you the opportunity to open your heart to another person and chance to experience the unique and exquisite joy that comes with falling in love again.

3. Feeling guilty is natural - at first

The first time I went to dinner with another woman, I felt like I was cheating on my late wife. As we entered the restaurant, I was filled with feelings of guilt and betrayal. Throughout our entire date I kept looking around to see if there was anyone in the restaurant I knew. I thought that if someone saw me out with another woman, the first thing they’d do is run and tell my dead wife what I was up to. It sounds silly, but I couldn’t shake that feeling the entire evening.  A week later I went out with someone else. The same feelings of guilt were there only they were less intense. It took about five dates before the feeling went away entirely and I could actually enjoy the company of the woman I was with without feeling guilty.

As you date, feelings of guilt should subside over time - especially when you find that special someone you might want to spend the rest of your life with. If the guilt’s not subsiding, you might not be ready to date again. Give dating a break and try dating again when you might be more up to the task.

4. It’s okay to talk about the deceased spouse - just don’t overdo it

Unless you’re good friends or have known your date previously, he or she is going to be naturally curious about your spouse and previous marriage. And it’s OK to talk about the spouse when you’re first dating someone. Answer questions he or she may have about your marriage but don’t spend all your time talking about the dead or how happy you were. After all your date is the one that’s here now. And who knows, he or she might make you incredibly happy for years to come. Constantly talking about the past may make it seem like you’re not ready to move on and start a new relationship. Showing that you care enough to get to know them can help reassure your date that you’re ready to start a new life with someone else.

5. Your date is not a therapist

Would you like going out with someone who constantly talked about issues she was having in her life? Dating isn’t a therapy session - it’s an opportunity to spend time with someone else and enjoy their company. If you find yourself dating just to talk about the pain in your heart, how much you miss your spouse, or tough times you’re going though, seek professional help. Spending $60 an hour on professional help will benefit you much more than spending $60 for dinner and a movie. Besides, your date will have a more memorable night if it’s about him or her than about everything you’re going through.

6. It’s okay to make mistakes when you’re finding your dating legs

When I started dating again, it had been seven years since I had gone out with anyone other than my wife. Because I had a certain comfort level with my first wife, I often found myself forgetting proper dating etiquette such as opening the car door or walking a date to her door when the date was over.

If you find yourself forgetting simple dating etiquette, don’t worry about it. Most dates would understand if they knew it had been a while since you dated. But don’t make the same mistake over and over. Learn from them and continue moving forward. You’ll be surprised how fast your dating legs return.

7. Defend your date

You may discover once the family and friends learn you’re dating again that they may not treat this new woman or man in your life very well. The treatment may come in the form of a cold shoulder at family activities or constantly talking about the deceased wife in front of the date. If you have family and friends who are doing this, they need to be told privately, but in a loving manner, that this behavior is not acceptable. If you wouldn’t let family or friends treat your spouse that way, why would you tolerate that behavior toward someone else - especially when your date could become your future spouse? Don’t be afraid to defend your date. If you can’t do that, then you have no business dating again.

8. Realize that not everyone will understand why you’re dating again

There will always be someone who will not understand why you’ve chosen to date again. They may give you a hard time for dating again or have some silly romantic notion that widows and widowers shouldn’t fall in love again. Their opinions do not matter. All that matters is that you’re ready to date again. You don’t need to justify your actions to them or anyone else.

9. Take things slow

The death of a spouse means losing the intimate physical contact. After awhile we miss the kisses, having someone’s head resting on our shoulder, or the warm body next to us in bed. This lack of physical and emotional intimacy is enough to drive a lot of people into the dating scene. Don’t feel bad if you find yourself missing these things. It’s completely normal.

In the dating world wanting something that was part of our lives for years can become a ticking time bomb. It can force us into a serious relationship before we’re ready. The result: lots of broken hearts and emotional baggage.

If you find that you’re on a date and it’s going well, don’t be afraid to take things slowly. This isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s hard not to throw ourselves at our date if things are going well because we want to be close to someone again. We want that warm body next to ours and have the words “I love you” whispered in our ears. But it can save you and your date a lot of emotional heartache if you wait to make sure what you’re doing is because you love the other person and not because you miss the intimacy that came with your late husband or wife.

10. Make your date feel like the center of the universe

It’s a basic dating rule but it’s often forgotten by widows and widowers. Because we already have someone special in our lives, sometimes we forget to make our date feel special too. Treat your date in such a way that he or she feels like she’s the center of your universe. He or she shouldn’t have to compete against a ghost - even if you only have one date with that person. As long you’re out together, he or she should be the center of your universe.

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Even though dating can be awkward and difficult at times, it can also be a lot of fun. There’s no reason being a widow or widower should hold you back from enjoying a night out. Part of the reason we’re here is to live and enjoy life.  And dating is a great way to start living again.

Nature’s Remedy - Allowing the Universe to Embrace Us in Our Pain and Need

Responding to  How Do I Cope After the Death of My Husband?, Annalise wrote:  “When does the pain ease off??  Two months today and getting worse.”

Beverly Chantalle McManus, Grief Companion, responds:  Annalise, first of all, please accept my deepest compassion for your loss.  The death of a spouse is one of the hardest things anyone will have to go through, and only those who have experienced it can really understand the depth of pain and loss you are experiencing.  We’re glad you reached out, and hope that knowing you’re not alone will help ease the pain and loneliness.

I wish I could give you a clever formula that would accurately determine when the pain will ease off.  It would be so nice to have something that figured it all out for us, perhaps by multiplying the length of the relationship by the intensity of love felt, and of course taking into account the type of death - whether a long, drawn-out illness that at least provided a bit of time for preparation, or a sudden, unexpected death like a car accident or heart attack.  Of course, such an equation would also need to consider the survivor’s mental state, financial situation, spiritual background, and physical strength.  In addition, to be accurate it should also include the presence or absence of a support network, and whether they were actually helping or hindering the grieving. 

Yes, such a formula and its solution would be useful when we are feeling such intense pain.  Unfortunately, it would be impossible because of all the variables involved.  And the fact that even after the death of our spouse, things continue to change. 

Each grief journey has its own timeline and follows its own path.  There are a few stepping stones along that path that you and nearly all grievers will encounter, but each of these stepping stones will be approached and accomplished in its own way, according to your background, beliefs, and resources. 

Grief requires time and energy.  It doesn’t just “happen.”  Right now you are feeling intense pain, and I can promise you that at times in the future, you will feel even worse.  But I can also promise you that if you do your grief work, you will gradually feel better.  You will become stronger.  And you will incrementally begin to find joy in your life again. 

How do we do our “grief work?” 

Grief work means feeling all the feelings we are experiencing, as painful and unfamiliar as they may be.  By leaning into the pain, and even wallowing in it at times, we are giving our broken heart its due respect.  The only reason it hurts so much is because we loved so much - there is a direct correlation between the amount of pain experienced in grief and the depth of the love we felt for the person who died. 

It is a true paradox:  the more we cry and allow ourselves to feel the pain, the faster and more completely we will heal.  Those who say, “You’ve cried enough already,” are mistakenly trying to short-circuit a very necessary healing process.  And only we who are on our grief journey can determine how long we need to cry.  (We know when it’s time to stop because we no longer feel like crying.)  The tears accompany a cascade of healing hormones that affect every cell in our bodies, and after a good cry, it is amazing how much better we feel. 

Tears are but one of nature’s many remedies to help those with broken hearts.  As I have done my grief work, something that has really helped is spending time outdoors, and allowing nature’s remedy to embrace me, giving me the strength I need to keep moving forward. 

What I’ve discovered:

• Finding solace under a tree, at the beach, by the lake, in my garden, on a mountain, in a park, or even at my dining room table with a single flower - all of these really helped me reconnect with myself and pull my shattered self back together.
• At times, I felt compelled to simply lie on the grass, and let the earth absorb my pain and at the same time, give me a dose of mother earth’s abundant energy that is there for each of us.
• Walking, whether on a sandy beach or a trail carpeted with pine-needles or even an air-conditioned shopping mall, really helped. The physical act of walking, of putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, was very healing at times. I would use these walks to reconnect with memories of my life with Steve, and to envision a future where he wasn’t there. The longer I walked, the more I was filled with the assurance that I could go forward without him at my side.
• Pets can be incredibly helpful in providing comfort and love during our dark times. If you don’t have one (and your living situation allows you to), consider getting a dog or cat to be your companion. Since you may not have the energy to train a lively puppy or kitten, consider adopting a more mature animal, who is already trained, and who can provide you with many hours of comfort and friendship.

The most important aspect of your grief journey is to be compassionate with yourself.  Give yourself the time and space you need to really grieve, and you will be giving a gift to your future self - the gift of healing.  Even though you are struggling with what feels like overwhelming pain right now, please believe me when I say you can get through this.  You have within yourself the strength to take it one day (or even one hour or one minute) at a time.  As you do your grief work, you will slowly notice yourself feeling a bit better each day.  Oh, there will always be days that are just downright sad, and nothing anyone says will change that.  But as you move forward, you’ll have a lot more “up” days than “down” days, and you’ll know you are experiencing the gift of healing. 

How have you harnessed nature’s remedies to get through the pain and loneliness after your spouse died?  Your experiences help others trying to figure out what to do next.  We invite you to share your ideas and stories here. 

 

Beverly Chantalle McManus lives in Northern California with her two daughters, who have each now graduated from college. She is a bereavement facilitator and core team member of the Stepping Stones on your Grief Journey Workshops, and a frequent speaker and writer on the topic of loss and grief. In addition to grief support, she is also a marketing executive for professional services firms.

© 2009 Beverly Chantalle McManus