7 Rules For Managing Grief and Loss

By Lou LaGrand

Grief and loss are inherent parts of life. No one gets off scott free from facing the emotional and physical pain of accepting the death of a loved one. Yet, all too frequently, we maximize our pain out of a lack of insight into the reality of major change and the common problems of adapting to life without the beloved.

Here are seven rules that will help in the challenge to deal with the inevitable changes to be faced and re-orienting to a new and different life.

1. Never allow thoughts to turn into actions without your full consent. Negative thoughts pervade most loss experiences. We tend to look back at what we lose and ahead to all the real and imaginary obstacles that have to be faced. This occurs in an atmosphere of fear and confusion which maximizes our concerns. Then a universal law takes effect: what we focus on expands. In this case, fear grows and the obstacles appear insurmountable. There is nothing wrong with being scared in facing the new and here is how you can deal with it.

Full consent always implies deliberation. Deliberation means reasoned dialogue and thinking. Frequently, get with those you trust to share all concerns and ask for feedback on your thoughts. Let the fear, guilt, or loneliness out. Not easy to do, but the results will be essential in making the right choices and defusing limiting beliefs and fears. Doing the right thing will take courage that you can muster with help from friends. Use them with humility.

2. Be open to new ideas, assumptions, and beliefs. Loss challenges our beliefs about life and death. Grief is a time when reevaluating the way we were taught that life is, usually has to be challenged. There is more to its mystery than our little version. For most, there is a lot to learn, especially in how to accept impermanence.

Big, life-changing events often cause us to examine our values and put things in perspective. Revising beliefs will also bring new meaning to loss and an easier reinvestment in life. In reality, loss is a great teacher of the importance of relationships, humility, and gratitude.

3. Allow failure to be viewed as a normal part of coping well. Accepting failure as a tool for learning always spawns success. Having been utilized for centuries, it is just as true for coping with loss as it has been with some of the greatest inventions.

Be aware that we are programmed early in life to expect immediate success or to feel we are not up to the task. Examining where we make mistakes, and taking action to rectify them, is the road to follow. See failure when grieving as a friend, as part of your education about loss and life.

4. Start reconnecting as soon as possible. Loss and the emotions that accompany it are strong forces of isolation. Isolation especially hinders your ability to adapt and accept the new conditions of existence. Everyone needs a variety of connections; they are surefire lifelines. Do this: strengthen connections to your faith, friends, work, and mission because it is critical to reinvesting in life and developing new routines.

New routines are an absolute must due to the absence of our loved one. Make these new routines into new habits, which is an important key to coping well.

5. Cultivate solitude on a regular basis. Take time out each day just for yourself. This is just as important as building your circle of interpersonal relationships. It is a positive state time leading to comfort, enhanced spirituality, and creative coping with your great loss.

Find a place where you enjoy being alone, a particular room in your home, an area in a park, at the beach, or some other natural setting. Give yourself permission to take a cry break or listen to soothing music. Take a walk by yourself. Meditate. Meditation will reduce your stress and raise your energy level. Give yourself a pep talk. Do what is best for you.

6. Trust your inner knowing. This resource is seldom consciously used. So listen to what your intuition and your body tell you about the choices to be made and the direction to travel. You have wisdom within, if you will take the time to be honest with yourself and listen. Then make yourself take that first difficult step in tackling whatever problem you have to face that day.

When discouraging thoughts start to build take action to stop the downward spiral by asking yourself “What do I need to do right now?” Listen to what comes up from your intuitive treasure, trust it, and reverse your direction. Keep repeating this new action.

7. Make the “D” word the cornerstone of your new life. Determination is a commitment you can make. Talk to yourself and say that you are going to prevail in this difficult adaptation. Write specific inspiring phrases on a 3 by 5 card that you can whip out and read when you start feeling the blues.

Then combine your self-coaching with getting up and moving into another room or going outside when things seem unmanageable. Consider calling a best friend or develop a method (create any affirmation) to interrupt the pattern of thoughts causing discouragement. With conscious determination you can redirect emotion.

All of the above can be worked on, one rule at a time. Remember what was said earlier: what you focus on expands. This not only holds true for fear and negative thoughts. It is just as powerful for visualizing yourself meeting and successfully negotiating a particular problem. It holds true for focusing on a positive memory or a gratitude memory. Those positive events will expand in importance and assist your transition.

Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is http://www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com

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No Sleep Tonight - The Grief of Losing a Loved One

By Sherry L Harris

If you lose a loved one, you may experience insomnia for weeks or even up to a year or more. You go to your bedroom, lie down and try, but after awhile you have to give up - no sleep tonight. It is difficult to keep moving at such a time and even harder to rest. The thing to remember is that you can overcome your feelings of loss in time.

Before you give up and say No sleep tonight, there are several habits you can change to help you. You can start by cutting way back on the caffeine. You may not feel a buzz that alerts you of a caffeine high. Nevertheless, the caffeine may be active in your system, keeping you awake. Try avoiding caffeine after lunch.

If you take a warm bath, you can avoid that feeling of No sleep tonight. To make you even sleepier, try aromatherapy mixtures that are targeted to help with grief. Most of them include rose, along with other oils such as sandalwood or cypress. Add a little lavender to make you sleepy and you can slip off to bed more easily.

If you begin to get that No sleep tonight feeling each time the sun goes down, you might be tempted to resort to chemical means to get to sleep. Alcohol seems like a good solution if you do not have any experience with its true effects. Not only does it fail to promote healthy sleep, it is also a heavy depressant. Medications should also be closely monitored to make sure your sleep patterns are not being affected.

One thing you can do when No sleep tonight becomes a reality is to spend some time doing a quiet activity that occupies your mind. If you are involved in what you are doing, your grief will ease up for the time being. A good idea is to go online and research topics that interest you. You can also find online support chat groups where the other people have that No sleep tonight problem as well.

You can accept that you will have no sleep tonight if you are experiencing profound grief. However, sooner or later you can begin to feel better if you take actions to change your mood. You may owe it to your loved one to remember him well, but you do not owe anyone your life spent in sleeplessness and depression.

Sherry Harris is the author of the successful e-book “101 Amazingly Simple Ways to Beat Insomnia”. Get the FREE e-book at http://www.ScentToSleep.com - Hope you enjoyed the article topic [http://www.scenttosleep.com/insomnia.htm]no sleep tonight. If you would like to knock-out insomnia, so you can wake up refreshed and energized visit us now.

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Grief Is Not Just For Death

Grief Is Not Just For Death
By Elaine Williams

Grief and loss come in a multitude of forms. There is grief due to loss of a loved one but there’s also the sense of grief related to illness and the impending demise of a loved one.

When our family pet, our dog Bear had to be put to sleep after ten years with us, it was more emotionally draining than I’d realized. When he was five weeks old he was slated to go to the dog pound since no one wanted him. My children and I went to the private home where he had been born and brought him home with us. I wasn’t sure I really wanted another dog, since we had the veterinarian put to sleep our cherished Lab “Pearl” the week before. However, Bear soon became a part of our family, and lived with us for ten years.

This Fall he developed a terribly aggressive, fast growing tumor that despite our best efforts, he chewed at and ultimately broke open in his last day of life. That month before I went back and forth on the idea of agreeing to an operation to remove the tumor. He seemed fine, despite the tumor, but the operation I was afraid would seriously interfere with his quality of life. He would lose his tail, and some of his hind quarter.

When the tumor started to bother him a great deal I decided to go for the operation — only to have him within the span of twelve hours, go from seeming to be okay to dying. We never got to the operation, and it seems he was fully involved with cancer, even though he looked okay on the outside. He still had a beautiful, shiny, thick husky coat, and yet he was dying from cancer. It’s incredible to find how much you’ve become attached to an animal.

The same week we had Bear euthanized, my girlfriend of seventeen years underwent an operation for endometrial cancer. When she went for pre-testing and blood work the week before, they found swollen lymph glands in her legs. This news made me fearful. Having been down this cancer route before, the deep feeling in the pit of my stomach was there…that unrelenting fear for the worst. I wanted to keep her spirits buoyed up, it wasn’t up to me to play doctor or surmise what this might mean — she had experts to do that. But I called her, took her out to lunch, kept in daily contact, just to talk to her and let her know I cared.

I visited her in the hospital after the operation to remove the tumor, and stayed with her several hours. A few times during that visit we talked realistically about her prognosis, and we cried together because, based on what the doctor’s were saying, the news was not good.

Her realistic approach to her cancer brought the tears to my eyes. I began to mourn her loss of mobility and her loss of real quality of life. She told me she doesn’t want to linger, and wants it over quick. She knows how my husband’s cancer illness went, and she fears lingering toward death.

Sometimes it’s a natural reaction not to want to talk about dying and death, but I must, so I can help her just by listening. I feel for her and I feel for myself. Already I feel the loss in my life.

When my girlfriend was released home from the hospital, (too early in my opinion), she came to my house for four days because I knew she would be alone at her house without any help. On the hour long ride home, hooked to a portable oxygen tank for breathing difficulties, she dozed on and off.

My friend was filled with fluid due to ongoing heart problems and also the after affects of the major operation she had undergone. She was incredibly uncomfortable and her color didn’t look the best. I began to realize she really needed expert nursing, not a friend who was trying to offer her support.

That first day was incredibly hard for her, and it was very difficult for me also, in an emotional way. Unbidden, having her there brought back to me when my husband was ill. Every movement seemed to jar her incision, which was over twelve inches long and held together by staples. By Friday night she had filled up with even more fluid and I urged her repeatedly to call her doctor.  She called the doctor twice on Saturday, and he finally called her after four hours, then instructed her to come to his office on Monday.

Gradually, she began to feel better, but it made me realize once again how caretaking someone is a big responsibility, and takes over all aspects of your life. As much as I cared about her, I felt weak with the responsibility I had undertaken. I wanted her to be well, but I knew also, unless she drastically changes her eating habits and her lifestyle, I fear she will succumb to this disease. There’s nothing more I can do for her. Nothing at all, except be her friend and help her in the best way I can, by letting her know I care.

Elaine Williams copyright 2008

Elaine Williams is a writer across various genres. She is a mother and a widow of four years.  She can be contacted at  [mailto:onwingspress@yahoo.com]onwingspress@yahoo.com. http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

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Can You Talk About Grief Too Much?

By Elaine Williams

When does talking about the loss of someone get to be too much? Is it still grief or is it descending into depression?

Talking and writing about grief for me has been a catharsis, a way to heal my thoughts, emotions and fears. It is a slow, sometimes excruciating process. Not linear, and sometimes unexpected.

At times there seems to be a fine line that can be crossed. I met a woman who had been widowed after six years of marriage. Nine years later, she still does not sleep in the bedroom she shared with her husband, nor can she bring herself to open a birthday gift she found after he passed away. She feels stuck in place but sees no way out.

We all have to be gentle and considerate of ourselves or others who are traveling through grief. But I have seen in my own grieving, that sometimes we run the risk of being stuck in place. I met another widow who spoke incessantly about her husband. She refused to even consider the idea of going through his clothes or personal items, even after five years. She was adamant she would never date again, even though she also admitted her marriage had not been a happy one. Again, it is all about our personal choices. Our lives have formed how we handle stressful situations and circumstances.

The way we handle our grief and emotional outcomes is of course a personal choice, but I feel that some people allow their grief process to make them bitter. I know sometimes I’ve fallen into this myself. I consider it a trap to allow the hurts in my life to weigh me down. Well on my way to healing, I refuse to be consumed by anger and regret.

Grief is never easy or quick. It can be hard, painful and unpredictable. If we stay rooted emotionally in the same place over many years, we’re doing ourselves an injustice. Why not answer the door when opportunity for growth knocks?

There were many days in my grief process where I felt at a really low point, and sometimes, in my mind, I made my marriage out to be something more than what it was. I had a good marriage, but like any other relationship, it had its problems, too. After twenty years, not everything is rosy, and yet many times in the early days I viewed my marriage through rose-colored glasses. I glorified the good times and glossed over the days I wanted to pull my hair out with frustration. My husband and I were two people who had grown through the years. I learned for my own benefit I had to remain honest about my memories. Nothing is perfect. No one deserves or wants to be on a pedestal. By staying grounded in reality, I decided I would not be stuck in place. I firmly believe this thought process made my grief journey a little easier. I also knew my husband would never want me to stay perpetually unhappy. I have grown enough to know I deserve a full life once again, in whatever way I manifest. But I choose happiness over living in a past that cannot be changed.

Elaine Williams ©2008

Elaine Williams is a writer across various genres. She is a mother and a widow of four years. She can be contacted at [mailto:onwingspress@yahoo.com]onwingspress@yahoo.com - http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

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Dating Again After A Partner Dies

Dating Again After A Partner Dies
By Elaine Williams

When a relationship ends due to one partner dying, what is the correct time period to begin dating again? Grief is such a funny, unpredictable animal. Many people in years’ past think a year is a suitable time to wait before incorporating life changes, and yet for many of us, a year into our loss - we’re barely getting started on our grief journey. My experience has been that people and perhaps society as a whole, do not allow enough time or thought to the actual grief process. There is no quick fix or “getting over it” and moving on. We all move through grief in our own ways and means. There is nothing by formula that we can follow or hope to happen. Talking with others who have experienced a similar loss is definitely a plus.

Some days the road is more difficult than others days. At times, you feel enveloped in a mist of uncertainty. Even small decisions can sometimes stretch past your point of coping.

Personal decisions are just that, personal. What is suitable for anyone must be decided  individually. Sometimes you have to let go of preconceived notions of the correct way to act and grieve.

I began dating too early, about a year after my husband passed away. I was incredibly lonely and in a real oxymoron, I was determined to be happy again, at any cost to myself. So, I started dating through online sites and I kept attracting the wrong type of man. Takers, emotionally unavailable, surface daters, serial daters, men who mirrored my own uncertainty about my readiness to date again.

None of these connections turned out to be anything substantial. In a fog of grief, I yearned to find someone to love, and yet I knew these men were wrong for me. They were just a short ride on a ferry to nowhere special. It was brought home to me gradually, through my dating experiences, that I had to value myself more than what I was doing. I couldn’t settle with a partner just to have someone in my life. I deserved more. My dates deserved more than someone still traveling through grief.

In those early days, I was as unavailable as the men I dated. If I had realized this, perhaps I would have run fast in the opposite direction, but in two instances I hung on to a flagging relationship, hoping things would change. Of course they did not.

Gradually, I came to realize that I had to stop setting myself up for disappointment in relationships. How could I attract the right partner, unless I was equally ready for a commitment?

I made the decision to bring my standards up to a new level and part of this process involved not dating for over a year. Only then did I start meeting the quality of man that my higher consciousness demanded. I was no longer wasting my time, or theirs, in surface dating, where both of us knows after one date there is no chemistry or real interest.

We all deserve better for ourselves than settling in a relationship just to alleviate the loneliness. It is difficult being alone when you are used to so much more, but I have chosen to remain so until the right partner comes along. It’s a personal decision and for me, there is no other choice.

Elaine Williams ©2008

Elaine Williams is a writer across various genres. She is a mother and a widow of four years.  She can be contacted at  [mailto:onwingspress@yahoo.com]onwingspress@yahoo.com http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

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Holding Out for Real Romance, What’s a Girl to Do?

By Elaine Williams

Well, I confess right away I passed the stage where I could be called a girl about twenty five years ago. However, in the intervening time there was a lot of life and living that I’ve participated in and lived through. Many days held life’s usual ups and downs. However, when I became a widow at forty seven years of age, I thought I was pretty savvy about the world and the myriad people out there. I dealt with my grief on what felt like a long, protracted journey, a wending road through the unwieldy thickets of life and other times the ride was as smooth as new pavement. While journeying through the thickets, many days I didn’t know what was up or what was down and I got jabbed along the way.

Once I began dating again, after a long absence, I found out I knew little to nothing about this sector of society’s structure. At forty seven years of age it was no longer the same world, obviously, as when you’re in your twenties and starting out fresh. Many people by this age have become jaded, injured emotionally and mentally by life. Life as a whole is different. When they talk about mind games in the dating sense, that’s an entire genre all by itself. If you go into dating with an honest mindset, you think that’s what you will find in return. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case, so I learned to develop a certain type of radar to keep myself safe, not only physically but emotionally. I had to learn to grow a shell, of sorts, for my own protection. And yet at times, dating at close to fifty years of age was a liberating experience. My kids were older, I didn’t have to find babysitters if I wanted to go out. Financially, I could take care of myself, and emotionally, I had become a well adjusted citizen of the world, relatively secure in knowledge of how life worked.

My first inclination was to be trusting, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but I also learned not to be naïve. If your dating situation doesn’t make you feel comfortable, let it go. And yes, even though sometimes I knew a situation wasn’t serving what was best for me, it was still hard to let it go. It’s a case of craving what isn’t good for us. When I first entered dating it was like I had a sweet tooth that was out of control, I just wanted more and more. Basically, I wasn’t getting what I needed, what I deserved in the dating situations I involved myself with, so I was searching for that special something.

I’m not sure I even knew what that special something might be, but I continued my quest by trying online dating, dating services and attending sporting events. Eventually, I decided to pull back from casual dating world. It was taking too much energy and dashing hopes too quickly. I began to feel a bit burnt. It was all too “casual.” In reality, I wanted something long-term. So I pulled back from the online dating and really thought about what it was I wanted. I had been married twenty years and I knew what a relationship was about and how it worked. And yes, at times it was work. I would not settle for less than a relationship that enhanced my life and who I was today, as I expected to enhance someone else’s life. I know the right person will come along, and perhaps for now, even though it’s never been my strong suit, I just need to learn a little more about patience. In the meantime, my life is getting better every day.

Elaine Williams ©2008

Elaine Williams is a writer across various genres. She is a mother and a widow of four years. She can be contacted at [mailto:onwingspress@yahoo.com]onwingspress@yahoo.com - http://www.ajourneywelltaken.com

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For Widows Only — Three Secret Things To Guide You

By Linda Della Donna

You’re home now — From the cemetery — Just closed the door on an endless line of well-wishing-filled-with-advice strangers who didn’t know what to say but talked endlessly anyway, and now that they’re gone you know you will never see or hear from most of them ever again.

Your hair smells of roses and gladioli and you secretly wish for a giant eraser to erase all the pain.

You’ve just buried your life partner; your husband, your best friend. As Joan Didion says, “Life changes fast.”

He’s gone now and like it or lump it, you’re not.

You stand before your mirror stiff as a stick wondering out loud, “What now?” You ask yourself, “Where do I go? What do I do with the rest of my life without Him?”

Like a crust of bread the W word sticks in the back of your throat as you ponder your future and process the reality you are alone.

Welcome to my world.

Though I do not hold the answers to your questions (no one does), I share three secret things that will guide you on your journey. Mourning the death of a spouse is different for every widow. Each one of us must beat the bushes and blaze our own separate trail. You, the newly widowed, must dream a new dream.

It is scary. But I’m here to tell you, you can, and you will, get through this difficult time.

Here are three secret things to guide you:

Keep a JOY-nal

It can be as expensive as a leather-bound book with gold edged pages; or as cheap as hard-covered composition notebooks from the dollar store.

I purchase spiral bound notebooks, buy them by the dozen, one for each month of the year, paste them with pictures of Him front and back, scribble first pages with favorite quotes in magic markers in every color of the rainbow, and carry one everywhere.

Need a topic to get started? You, the newly widowed, have only to look out your window for inspiration.

List ten things — The first ten things your eyes see.

Be specific.

Don’t write bird, write blue jay; don’t write tree; write flowering plum.

Get the picture? Good. That’s the point.

Write about the weather.

Stick your thoughts in the clouds, write about that.

Discover what I call “mourning joys” — A found parking space in a crowded shopping mall; a copper penny Lincoln’s head up, green lights for six blocks, a cup of tea you didn’t make. Write it.

The loss of a spouse is a humbling experience and leaves you numb and dumb. But scheduling a time to write for five minutes every day will aid in connecting you to your mind, teach you to focus, and help ground your thoughts. You’ll discover a hidden part of you, you never knew existed.

Breathe.

That’s write.*pun intended* Practice breathing. Think of it as your job.

Place your right hand on your belly, left hand on your chest.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Feel your breath rush through your nose and out your mouth.

Whenever you feel stressed, perhaps when merry mailman delivers an overdue hospital bill, when housebroken dog crawls under bed and pukes chicken bones scavenged out the garbage, when you think you just can’t control those tears one minute more — Breathe.

Embrace Life.

Hug a tree.

Hug your children, your grandchildren.

What’s that? Got nobody to hug?

Ask your neighbor if you can hug her. Ask if you can hug her children, her grandchildren.

You’ll make a friend and you’ll feel good, too.

Hug your dog. Hug your cat. Cradle the fishbowl.

Heck. Throw your arms around yourself and squeeze!

It’s not easy losing a life partner. Nothing will be the same without Him. Adjustment to your new life will take time. You, the newly widowed, will feel lost lonely and helpless, but I’m here to tell you, you can, and you will, get through.

Just follow my three secret things to guide you (outlined above) and it won’t be long before you’ll have breathed and hugged your way through a stack of writing JOY-nals. You will be more focused. You will be a better writer.

And all those questions you pondered? Well, you may even have some answers.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer. She supports new widows through the grief process. Receive a copy of Della Donna’s FREE E-Book,Mourning Joy. Just visit her web site - http://www.littleredmailbox.com - and subscribe to her mailing list. Learn more about Della Donna by reading her blog - http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com - Need an interview? Perhaps you have a different writing assignment. Feel free to contact Della Donna at [mailto:littleredmailbox@aol.com]littleredmailbox@aol.com. She’s waiting to hear from you.

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For Widows Only - 1 Question - When Is It a Good Time To Get On With The Rest of Your Life?

By Linda Della Donna

You look at the watch strapped neatly on your wrist or at the kitchen clock tick-tocking loudly on the wall. You stare ominously at a calendar attached to the refrigerator door by 4 cow magnets and note numbly a time, a date. You comment out loud to no one in particular, Is it really____ (fill in the blank) days, weeks, years since His death?

Then you ask yourself the silly stupid question every widow asks, “When do I get on with the rest of my life”?

As every widow discovers, there is no clock or calendar for grieving, and there is no magic answer to the nagging haunting question that shadows us, dear widow, as we go about living our daily lives. Sooner or later, we accept that He is never coming back. When that happens, it is time, our time, to move on with the rest of our life.

Though, this writer cannot provide specific answers to you, dear widow, I offer 5 questions to guide you as you determine if you are indeed ready to move on. Here they are:

Are You Still Wearing Your Rings?

The hardest thing for every widow to do is to remove her wedding rings. Permanently. It is natural and respectful for a widow to honor the memory of her beloved husband, and a period of one year is emotionally healthy, maybe 2, maybe 3, 4, 5, 6, years. Maybe 75 years. Who’s to say, dear widow. It’s your choice.

But soon…but after awhile…but one day you, dear widow, will see your world in a different light. That is when you begin to fully realize He’s not coming back. Ever.

When that day arrives and you are able to remove your rings - to place them lovingly in a velvet covered slot in your jewel box - to tuck them neatly away in a safety deposit box - to have them reset perhaps in a charm to dangle off a new bracelet, or new chain to wear looped around your neck - it is a safe bet that you are living in your present and not buried in the memories of your past.

But, unless and until a widow can accept HINCB *He Is Never Coming Back* and come to terms with all that entails, it is unwise to venture through doors number 1, number 2, or number 3. Yet.

Do You Have a Job?

Are you ready, willing, and able to fill out a job application? Can you answer job application’s silly stupid “Single, Married, Divorced, Other” question without bursting into tears when you check Other?

Do You Still Have His Clothes?

What is the state of His closet? Can you clean out that space? You know the place where He stored His shoes, where He hung His suits, where He hung His ties, and His shirts. What about His armoire? Is it in your bedroom?

If His stuff is lingering about where you rest your head, He’s still master of your domain and you may need more time to heal.

It’s fine and dandy to want to hang onto His things. Just keep in mind that these items are like anchors that may weigh you down and prevent you from making important decisions. And they may hold you back from achieving your goals.

Are You Afraid to Spend Money?

Can you spend money - on yourself? Are you able to shop for a new sweater; something He will not see you put on your body when you step out of the shower to begin your new day? Are you able to purchase this item, a sexy pair of high heeled shoes to go with a new pair of slacks to go with that great new sexy sweater?

It’s okay to feel guilty about spending money, that’s not my question. But, if you feel a twinge of guilt that you will be cheating on Him as you step out of your front door in your new outfit, it’s best to admit you’ve got a long way to go, baby, before you, dear widow, are ready to make life altering decisions.

Have You Had a Date?

Do you fantasize about having a date? No, not the chewy kind that falls off of a tree, the man kind. The kind you dress up for in that new sexy outfit you spent money on, the kind you paint your lips Revlon red for, the kind you smile pleasingly for when a car door is held open as you slide across a seat, the kind that takes your hand while accompanying you, dear widow, into a restaurant, stares madly lovingly into your two dry eyes, and compliments how great you look in metallic sheen, without feeling like a cheat!

If you can answer yes to the questions outlined above, dear widow, congratulations! Proceed to the head of the class. You are almost there. And you are one giant baby step closer to moving on with the rest of your life.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who supports new widows through the grief process. To receive a copy of Della Donna’s FREE E-Book, Treasury of Quotations, email Della Donna at [mailto:littleredmailbox@aol.com]littleredmailbox@aol.com You can learn more about Della Donna by visiting her web site http://www.littleredmailbox.com or reading her blog http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com
Have you a writing assignment? Feel free to contact Della Donna.

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Crafting a New Life As a Widow

Crafting a New Life As a Widow
By Elaine Williams

When you become a widow your life changes and there is no guarantee of sanity in the transition. Some days are topsy-turvy; other days have a numbing calm. You wonder if life will ever be joyful again. You’re not crazy, you’re grieving.

Joy has a way of creeping up on you when you least expect it, yes, even in the midst of loss. I discovered it’s a waste of energy to feel guilt over a moment of joy while in the pain of loss. I used to tell myself I had to stop being so serious and cut myself some slack. I refused to be a victim in life and I vowed not to become bitter over my husband’s loss.
Sure, it was unfair that my kids lost their dad at 11, 18, and 19, but inside each of us are life tools, and we do the best with what we have learned in life.

So how do you craft your new life as a widow? Time and patience are the best advice I could give. I had never expected my husband would die, even though he was diagnosed with end stage esophagus cancer. I was so determined he would get well, he would beat it, that losing him never was an option until the last three weeks. So I wasn’t prepared for his death, but who ever is? Stuff like this didn’t happen to me. I’d always considered myself an upbeat, lucky person. I still consider myself in that category, which is why I know from my own experience you can create a new life and be happy and feel joy once more.

I recall many days up until about two and a half years into my loss where I felt weighted down by uncertainty and indecision. I wanted nothing more than to just hide away in some safe, dark place where no one else could find me. Many days I felt a complete lack of enthusiasm for life. I worked because that occupied my mind, and in deepest grief, I often wondered if I’d ever experience true joy again. I felt off kilter, as if an essential life force had been pulled from me. I had a big hole.

For months I hung in a kind of limbo. I asked myself what was it that I wanted to do with my life? Was this empty feeling all there was? I knew I had to contribute something more - that there was a purpose for me. I wanted full knowledge of what my the next step was in my life.

As a writer I attempted to pick up my writing, but there was no passion there. I have always been a writer and to think that that well had dried up, felt devastating.

Slowly, I began to find a new me, one that I had never fully tapped into. I wondered had experiencing loss uncovered the stronger, more independent me? I have learned to live fully on my own, taking care of my children but also taking care of myself.

When I made myself step outside my comfort zone, I often found a new world waiting for me. I discovered that living a full life is all within my own control.

Elaine Williams is a writer across various genres. She is a mother and a widow of four years. She can be contacted at  [mailto:onwingspress@yahoo.com]onwingspress@yahoo.com

www.ajourneywelltaken.com

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For Widows Only-You Know You’re A Widow When

By Linda Della Donna

At the end of a good day you bust out crying for no particular reason.

At the end of a bad day you burst out laughing for no particular reason.

At the end of everyday, you crawl into bed and sleep on His side.

You refuse to throw away His toothbrush, His razor, His bar of soap. Because you think He’ll need them.

The sight of His bathrobe hanging on a hook on the back of the bathroom door reduces you to tears, but you refuse to throw it away. Because the smell reminds you of Him. And you never want to forget the best friend you ever had.

Your life revolves around trips to the cemetery to plant tulips in spring, marigolds in summer, geraniums in autumn, and mistletoe in winter. And because you promised.

You wear His wedding band looped through a chain around your neck tucked neatly under your shirt.

You wear your wedding ring. Because you still feel married.

You had a terrible horrible miserable ugly day. And He’s not here to tell you everything will be okay.

You talk to your dog. And swear to God that silly dog understands every word you say.

You tell everyone who asks, how ‘ya doing? the big lie, I’m doing fine. That’s because you know they don’t understand. You know they can’t. And you pray they never will.

You sit posed like a pooch for animal crackers over a job application. You can’t make up your mind which box to check — Single, Married, Divorced, Other — You honestly don’t know.

The lamp in the living room turns on. And you didn’t flip the switch. You truly believe it’s a message sent from Him.

You sit in coffee shops for hours and hours scribbling on paper napkins. Because you can’t stand the thought of sitting home alone.

You’re dying *pardon the pun* to get out the house, but once you get out, you yearn to get back home. You just don’t feel safe without Him at your side.

The sight of two strangers, a man and a woman, holding hands, bums you out. Because it reminds you of the life you had with Him. The life you planned to have with Him.

You get caught in the pouring rain without an umbrella. And you honestly don’t give a damn.

Your big night out is a trip to the trash bin to dump the garbage. And you swear to God, you discovered mourning joy. Because you’re thankful you got two hands to carry the banana peels, the empty cereal boxes, and the crushed vitamin D milk containers, and two able feet to carry you.

You stand over the kitchen sink eating cold pizza for breakfast.

You lose weight. Because you can’t eat — you miss Him so much you lose your appetite for chocolate.

You gain weight. Because you can’t stop eating — you miss Him so much you think a Hostess Twinkie or an Oreo Cookie will fill the void.

You mark time BD *before His death* and AD *after His death*. Because the endless memories loop your brain and you need a point of reference to handle your thoughts.

At the end of each day you ask yourself the magic question, how did I do it? Then pray the magnificent prayer, please God, can I do it one more day? And you know in you’re heart, with His help, you can.

Linda Della Donna is a freelance writer who makes her home 20 miles north from where the World Trade Center used to be. Della Donna supports new widows through the grief process. At present, she’s working on a memoir dedicated to her late husband, Edward Sclier. You can learn more about Della Donna and receive a copy of her FREE E-Book, Mourning Joy, by filling out the opt-in box at her web site - http://www.littleredmailbox.com - and subscribing to her mailing list. Feel free to read Della Donna’s blog - http://www.griefcase.blogspot.com - for widows only. Della Donna wants every widow to know, we’re not alone. Got a writing assignment? Need an interview? Feel free to contact Della Donna at [mailto:littleredmailbox@aol.com]littleredmailbox@aol.com. She’s waiting to hear from you.

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