My Husband Was Murdered on October 8th

On Oct 8th 2007, the father of my two boys was murdered. I had no other boyfreinds before him and he was all I knew for the 12 yrs we were together. We had our share of problems as he struggled with drug use, which led to his eventual death. Yet despite of our problems I we loved each other unconditionally, now that he is gone I’m hurting so much that I find it hard to function sometimes, I’m obsessed with finding answers on the afterlife and I even got in contact with a medium. Now prior to this I was a very level headed person, but now I feel like I’m going insane, my youngest is 18 mos so he does not know but my eldest is 6 and it breaks my heart to hear him cry over his dad being gone. I don’t know how to cope with all this, this pain is so overwhelming, that I find myself thinking of my own funeral and of how I can join him, I know I have my kids to think of and this is why I’m so scared of my thoughts and actions.
Please help me .
Chantal

Dear Chantal,

We are so very sorry for your loss. With just two weeks since his death, you are still in a state of shock and, a feeling of being devastated and overwhelmed is very normal. After the sudden and unexpected death of someone we love the most, we have all kinds of thoughts that we generally don’t have and emotions that we have never experienced. After twelve years of being together it is understandable why you feel the way you do. Your emotions are still raw and all you can feel right now is the pain. It is a time to be very gentle with yourself and reach out to others for help when you need to.

You indicated that you are interested in Compassionate Friends. Unfortunately their membership is composed only of those who have lost children. But other groups are available. We recommend that you contact your local Hospice and ask for their grief group recommendation and we encourage you do this as soon as you can. You might ask a friend or family member to help you with this. Often the people at the mortuary and some of the local churches know of such groups or can direct you to someone who does know what is available. You may want to consider a few visits with a professional grief counselor. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone.Â

We invite you to listen to listen on Thursday mornings to our radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/ . All you need to do is find the show you wish to hear and click on the MP3 Link. It takes a moment for it to download because it a large file. If you cannot download it, you can find the transcript of the show in the left hand column under Healing the Grieving Heart/PastShow Trasnscripts. We have listed some shows below that we believe may help you and help comfort your son during this really tough time.
August 30, 2007
Guest: Kay Hutchison
There is No Rule Book: Finding Forgiveness After the Murder of My Husband

July 26, 2007
Guest: Dr. Grace Christ
Helping Children Heal After Loss

November 16, 2006
Dealing with Traumatic Loss
Guest: Dr. Rick Tedeschi

June 15, 2006
Helping Your Hurting Heart
Guest: Lauren Littauer Briggs

March 2, 2006
The Afterlife Connection
Guest: Jane Greer

February 16, 2006
The Bereaved Marriage
Guest: Mel Erickson

We will post your letter on The Grief Blog because we believe it will help others who are also grieving. We have a wonderful, compassionate group of readers so check back now and then for comments of love and compassion that you may receive. We often also read letters on our Thursday show so you might want to tune in next week if that is possible for you.

We wish you comfort and healing as you walk this grief path,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

A Letter to Jodie by Susan who Lost Her Husband on September 18, 2007

Dear Jodie,
I can relate to your grief. I just lost my husband on Sept 18, 2007, suddenly, to an unexpected illness-viral enciphilitis. He was also healthy prior. Now, I’m left with our very young daughters to raise. He was the world to us.He left behind a platoon of friends and family members that loved him so much. He was a caring, kind, selfless, father and husband. The shock of it all is incredible to me. One day we had a perfectly normal day, and next thing you know, he’s in a medically induced coma for next several weeks. No chance to say I love you again or even to say goodbye.
My 4 year old is just devastated and of course, troubled by his death. I am having a hard time talking about this with many people. And reading this blogsite is helping relate with other widows.
So, thank you all for listening.  Susan

Dear Susan,

We are so sorry for your loss. We welcome you to the group of wonderful people who reach out with love to others who also have experienced such great and sudden loss. Reaching out to others seems to facilitate healing and we hope that is true for you.

It is a very short time since September and this is a time for you to be gentle with yourself and allow your self to grieve in your own time and your own way. Sometimes that’s not easy when you have small children and we hope you have some one who can be with your daughters so you can find some time to take care of you.

We understand how hard it is to talk with people who have not experienced the death of a loved one and it is so important for you to be able to talk about your feelings and you loss. For this purpose we recommend that you find a group of The Compassionate Friends in your area. You can find their site at http://www.compassionatefriends.org. If there is no chapter of Compassionate Friends in your area you may want to contact your local Hospice for a grief group recommendation. However, we understand that groups are not for everyone. If groups are not for you we recommend that you reach out to your family, church, and friends for support. It’s o.k. to tell them how to help you and that sometimes they only need to listen. We have found that the load of grief is lighter when it is not carried alone

You might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/Â

Thank you for reaching out to Jodie. We hope that through your compassion for others your own load of grief is lightened.

Blessings,

Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley