A Sudden Death of a Healthy Man

Hi,
Ok i suppose I start by saying I lost my partner Michael on May 16th 2007 he was only 37 years old fit and healthy.I went to bed on that Tusday night late so Mick had been asleep for awhile then early hours Wednesday morning the twins woke me up they wanted a bottle so i got up to get them 1.On the way back to bed Mick passed me he went to the toilet and came back to bed.I was awake and he knew this but as soon as he got the covers up and got comfy I thought he started to snore so I wacked him and told him to stop snoring.Mick didnt answer me and the noise wasnt sounding to good so I jumped out of bed and turned the light on to find Mick having a seizure.I quickly ran out grabed my mobile and rang 000 at the same time grabing the maple syrup out of the fridge because Mick had type 1 diabities.I put some on my finger and put it around the inside of his lips, the seizures had stopped and he wasnt respondind to anything I cecked his breathing and found he wasnt breathing and had no pulse.I got ready to start cpr when the ambulance arrived.They worked on Mick for an hour and a half but nothing could be done he was gone.
His blood sugars were slightly high so that isnt what caused the seizure so I still dont know what killed him they say it can take up to 6 months here in australia. So from the time he got back into bed to the time he took his last breath was only 10 minutes.I miss him sooooooooo much and the hurt and pain is to much to bare at times, but i have to get up and do things because I have 1 year old twins and a 10 year old son to take care of.I love you Michael and will miss you forever a part of me died with you and until we meet again it will be lost for good.

Jody

How Do You Mourn An Ex-Spouse?

My first wife died several weeks ago. We were married almost thirty years, we have four kids and four grandsons, and we were divorced four years ago. Donna was sick for many years, and her body finally gave out. As sad as it was, it was also a relief. As I am fond of saying, The Angel of Death is not always an enemy, and in this case it was true. But as difficult as the last years might have been between us, her death created new and wrenching dilemmas for me and the kids.

I know nobody wants to talk about this, but with our national divorce rate climbing higher and higher, there are now more “exes” in our society than ever before, and eventually they will die. What should we feel when that happens? How will we mourn spouses that at one time loved us, and we loved them? How can we reverently say goodbye to those with whom we made a life and sometimes kids; spouses with whom we had mutual friends, created memories and shared life-stories together? At the end of the relationship, perhaps we were not in love any longer, but that doesn’t mean we did not still have deep emotions about them. Love doesn’t die when the divorce is granted.

The death of a “less-than-loved-one” is in truth a double death. First, they died, and we are left with all the feelings connected with the death of anyone we knew and loved. But second, the possibility of healing the pain of the broken marriage has now also died. No more can we pretend that we can “make it right” with them, that time is now over forever. Can we heal after their death? Yes, but it is much easier to do so when they were alive. We are confronted with the death of the present, and in addition the death of the future. It’s not at all easy, take it from me.

So this double death now translates into numerous decisions which must be made:

Do we attend the funeral or not?

If they did not want us to attend, do we do so anyway out of respect and the need to say good-bye? Or do we stay home?

What do we say to our kids, especially if they are divided in their loyalties between their parents?

How should we act toward former in-laws?

How do friends console friends in this situation? What is the proper condolence?

These are new questions for me. I made my decisions, as do you in your situation. What is “the right way?” I have no idea. All I do know is that it hurts. I pray that Donna’s soul is now resting peacefully, with no more pain and suffering. She has gone, but those grief issues will remain with me for a very long time.

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